"How can I forgive them?"
It's a real question. The people genuinely wanted the answer. At the same time, they were still hurting, wanting justice, but also at some level, reconciliation. Most of all, they wanted peace.
How could they pursue all of these thing when some appear to be at odds with each other?
The answer is, any specific act of real forgiveness is often both incredibly complex and life long. It's a process as much as a spontaneous decision. A friend of mine asked me to explain some of these to her recently and it seemed helpful to share some of my thinking with you.
Let me also say, hard forgiveness is something I've lived. This is not "book learning". I'd go as far as to say, real forgiveness is only learned through suffering. Often intense suffering. So, all the points I make below are not written lightly. They are all heart felt and from heart ache. This is because forgiveness is a decision of the heart.
Forgiveness flows from a heart that wishes to love in a situation of brokenness.
Having said all this, I've listed things below in a specific order. You may disagree with some of what I write, but hear me out first. Let me also say this...
Christians live out forgiveness because Jesus' life (& death) was marked out by forgiveness.
To follow Jesus is to forgive in every situation. Sounds straight forward when you say it like that. Oh, if it were. To forgive is hard because of these...
1. Forgiveness is costly.
It's costly because it asks us to willingly absorb the pain of someone's hurt against us. The bible talks about it as "paying the price".
2. Forgiveness is costly because of what the person did to us did "matter".
If it doesn't matter to you, it's probably not forgiveness. This is an important point. Accidentally being bumped on the train and you answer, "it's fine, don't worry". That's not forgiveness. It cost you nothing, there was no pain.
3. The language of forgiveness is important.
Eg. "I want you to understand how much you hurt me. It hurt me a lot. Even though you hurt me, I forgive you." People need to hear their offense and its consequences if the forgiveness is to be understood. This is important because it happens in the context of relationship. Without communicating the hurt and then the "covering over" of the offense on your part, the person assumes there is no problem. Of course there is private forgiveness if a stranger hurts you and is unaware. However, most issues with forgiveness happen with people we know and spend time with regularly.
4. Forgiveness is not, "getting away with it".
In the case of forgiveness, if you've hurt someone you deserve consequences and you're about to get them. They can look like many things, a loss of trust, a breakdown in communication, the end of a relationship, even legal consequences. However, in the spirit of reconciliation, your victim forgives you. The ideal is that your relationship should be completely restored and "renewed". When that goes well, the relationship is often significantly deepened. It should also be said, in many situations the legal consequences still need to stand. The victim might forgive you, but the state needs to act to deal with the crime. A good example of this is domestic violence or sexual abuse.
5. To forgive is not to forget.
It never says anywhere in the bible that we should forgive and forget. We also don't forget our sins before God, we just leave our guilt and punishment behind through Jesus. It's because we remember our sin, we also remember the precious gift and sacrifice God made in Jesus. In fact, much of New Testament is filled with reminders of how we were once sinners, but now have been forgiven in Christ. This is intended help us remain thankful. In practice, it also keeps repeat offenders honest.
What also should be said here is that to be forgiven by someone does not necessarily mean the relationship can always return to where it was. Victims of serious crimes may not and should not be forced to live alongside their perpetrators even if the victim offers forgiveness. The memories of the crimes against them can often be too much to have the person there with them. Additionally, it is not the perpetrator's (or any other person's) right to request forgiveness or reconciliation. Such victims alone have the right to offer forgiveness and should not be pressured to do so.
6. Jesus asks us to forgive as we were forgiven.
The Lord's prayer is replete with this scary line, "forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us" (Matt 6:12). Jesus follows up later on with this extra phrase...
For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
(Matt 6:14-15)
But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
(Matt 6:14-15)
This is seriously confronting stuff. The context here is Jesus' desire to turn upside down the Jewish law of "eye for an eye, and tooth for a tooth". The new Kingdom of God is one where forgiveness and reconciliation are the hallmarks of Jesus' love and forgiveness in practice. Jesus knows this is a big ask as he teaches these things. The point is, he was about to live it out painfully on the cross.
That said, he also asks us to "Repent" to receive His forgiveness. To my mind, that means to offer people forgiveness in person, there are times when there needs to be some level of contrition on their part. This is where things get very complex...
7. Offering forgiveness versus unconditional forgiveness
In the situation of someone who does not follow or understand Jesus, God's love, the cross and grace, I'd would suggest we aim for unconditional forgiveness every time. This is super hard. However, this is the situation where Jesus specifically asks us to live out the forgiveness he did to win them over to Jesus love. Paul describes it in this way...
But God demonstrates his own love for us in this:
While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
Romans 5:8
Where the offender is a Christian, I suggest the "offer of forgiveness". I say this, because Christians should understand the need to repent, apologize and seek reconciliation. They should also understand the requirement to "obey everything I [Jesus] have commanded you" (Matt 28:20) and Jesus' seriousness about holding believers to a higher standard. It's the "open arms" or "open heart" of forgiveness. Desiring to forgive and reconcile with them but waiting for repentance. It's also pursuing the person to reconcile and discuss forgiveness. You might forgive them anyway, but they can't actually accept that properly until they're ready to own up to their actions.
Now, let me reiterate for a moment; Forgiveness is costly, because the hurt matters and the memories of the hurt last. At the same time, forgiving is important. Sometime however, it feels impossible. What then?
8. Forgiveness as a process
Sometimes the injury to someone is so extreme that forgiving the offender is too much to do in one sitting. Even the idea of forgiveness can be enough to reduce such a person to tears. In that situation, I believe God asks us to "work towards forgiveness". That is, forgiveness becomes a process that He helps us through. The process might take a week, a year or the rest of our lives. For particularly serious suffering, the process will be a daily decision and some times a huge battle. I've lived this and it begins in this way;
A. Asking God to change my hearts so I desire forgiveness;
This is the first and most difficult step. Especially when we've been very badly hurt. I needed God to change my heart and begin to heal it so this could happen.
B. Desiring to forgive;
When this arrived, it was a surprise to me. It was over a year since the person had hurt me. I'd prayed a lot. I knew God wanted me to forgive them. I didn't want to. What I remembered was the lightness of heart that came with this desire. The hurt began to lessen.
C. Taking that forgiveness a day at a time;
To begin with the desire to forgive was day on and then day off. Later it was 2 days on and 1 day off. Later on, I'd feel as though I could forgive them for weeks but then have the odd bad day. On those days, I prayed a lot. At one point I needed to go have some counseling after all my feelings came welling up again and caused some issues. I still desired to forgive them but I was hurting a lot.
D. Reaching the point where we can say privately "I forgive them";
This begins with a whisper and a prayer. Later, you can say it out loud to yourself or write it in a journal or diary.
E. Reaching the point where we can say it publicly;
This is a big deal. It doesn't come lightly, but you know when you can say it.
F. Reaching the point where we could say it to the offender;
I've not personally had the chance to do this yet. I know it would be tremendously hard. I also know our relationship would not be fixed. Too much damage was done. However, there is peace for me and I know that I've done God's will.
All of this involves prayer and commitment. The point of all this is... forgiveness of any kind proceeds from the same heart of selflessness, but looks slightly different in each situation. The great product of forgiveness in reconciliation is peace. Peace for the victim. Peace for the guilty.
In the case of Jesus' forgiveness, we have Peace with God.
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